We Will Never Really Know What 95 F Feels Like

Headline: "Newark, New Jersey, set a record at 102 degrees with a feels like temperature of 109 degrees."

Thus are Newarkians (Newarkers?) denied the opportunity of knowing what a temperature of 102 really is.

Headline: "Temperatures reached 90 degrees on Sunday and will stick to the 90s through Wednesday. The heat index is a feels-like temperature which incorporates the level of humidity with the temperature. Heat indices Monday, Tuesday and even Wednesday will reach near 100 degrees."

The poor folk of Massachusetts will not learn what the 90s truly are.

Headline: "Temp Could Feel Like 104 Tuesday, Wednesday...The high on both Tuesday and Wednesday was forecast to be 94."

Hellertown residents will forever seek the essence of 94, which will ever evade them. They will feel something else instead.

Headline: "Temperatures will feel more than 100 degrees in parts of Maine", yet temperatures will "rise into the 90s at most locations".

No matter where you go, you have, it seems, no opportunity of experiencing the temperature as she really is. She is always producing feelings of something other than what she is. This, our glorious media, assures us is true.

If it's 90, it feels like 95. If it's 95, it feels like 100. If it's 100, it feels like 106. This is what they always report.

This happens in the winter, too. If it's 40, it feels like 30, they say. If it's 30, it feels like 10. If it's 10, it feels like -8.

It is never what it is. Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that temperature is fundamental mysterious, like the Trinity. We can only come at from angles, never reaching the destination. The true nature of temperature is forever receding from our grasp.

This is easy to prove. Again, if it's 95, it feels like 100. But how do they know what 100 feels like? Because once 100 is reached, it feels like 106.

And then they say that when it's 106, it feels like 115. Yet when you get to 115, it feels like something even hotter. It never stops.

Same thing going the other way. When it's 40, again, they say it feels like 30. But how can anybody know what 30 really is because when it gets there, it feels like 10? And so on and so on.

There is no ground, no basis!

You know this is true. This is why, in the history of the media, we have never, not ever, heard or seen a report like this: "It is 70 today, and feels like it."

Temperature is a bluff. It is a lie. It is a full fledged media conspiracy. We should therefore not only be climate deniers, for climate is merely averaged temperatures, but we should be temperature deniers, too.

All is subjective. We are all idealist nomialists now. There is no such thing as temperature.

Have a good Fourth, everybody!

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