As a public service I am re-running this classic column. Today is our holiday, a time to happily remember when we were once a country. But Tomorrow is one of the Cult’s biggest celebrations. Today we’ll gather around campfires, have S’Mores and blow off some M-80s. Tomorrow, Cult members will rush to the “News” and gleefully listen for stories of how many people blew their fingers off. Each item will thrill them and convince them they did the right thing by cowering inside during the colorful night. There will be no stories of the joy from the day before of watching a perfectly placed bottle rocket make your friend spill his beer.
Here are your Cult of Safety First! tips for blowing off fireworks.
1. Take plenty of matches: propane blowtorches are ideal.
2. Hurl the bottle rocket at your victim just before the fuse hits the fuselage. If you merely aim it from a bottle, it won’t hit with sufficient force. Practice until you time the bang and impact perfectly.
3. Firecrackers under occupied chairs is a classic. But don’t be an amateur. Wait until your victim has a full drink.
4. Launch your attacks from behind a screen of smoke bombs. Blue smoke is the most beguiling.
5. Roman candle tag never grows old. Use two to develop a devastating crossfire.
6. Have plenty of beer on hand. Use anything with “Bud”, “Light”, “Lite”, “Session” or “Milwaukee” on the can to douse any hair that flames up.
7. Spent sparklers make excellent hotfoots.
8. Anybody who announces their pronouns is fair game.
9. “Hold this.”
10. Read this list to your wife or mother using a serious tone and while checking your stock and the workings of your lighter.
Have fun!
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Safety is overated.
😂🙌 perfect! Happy 4th of July to all celebrating!! In the UK it’s election day so likely to be more of a commiseration party tonight 🙈 let’s hope for some level of opposition…