How To Set Up As A Global Warming, Now Called “Climate Change”, Researcher

Are you one of the many who have recognized the path to success is to show how the world will end, women and minorities hardest hit, but you don’t know how to start? Do you have the urge to show man is a cancer?

Have you considered setting up as a global warming, now known as “climate change”, researcher?

I’m here to help, friend. For I can teach you in One Easy Lesson how to prove any bad thing is caused by global warming, now called “climate change.”

The way it works is to first bring to mind your favorite Victims. Then recall those Victims’ most treasured woes, whines and complaints.

Then conjure evidence that shows global warming, now known as “climate change”, causes or exacerbates those woes, whines and complaints.

This may sound a difficult task. It is not. It is simplicity itself. For that “evidence” has to be nothing more than asserting that global warming, now known as “climate change”, causes or exacerbates, or will cause or exacerbate, those woes, whines and complaints.

Let’s try!

What group is the most enduring of all Victims? Well, it’s a contest, to be sure, with constant wrangling for top spot. After all, there is nothing better to be in our culture than a Victim. The contest is therefore heated. But all will agree that women are a viable candidate; they are at least loud enough about it.

So we have our Victim. What are that Victim’s most treasured woes, whines and complaints? Certainly birthing babies, with all the complications of their self-described loathing of their own biology, at least in those Victims who claim women are “forced” to give birth.

All right, we have our Victims and a plaint. Now how to tie it to global warming, now called “climate change”?

Vox to the rescue with this hilarious headline: “The bizarre link between rising sea levels and complications in pregnancy: Exposure to salty water can rob women of their reproductive organs and pregnancies.”

Turns out, Vox says, there’s a woman out there on earth that doesn’t like salt water. She doesn’t like drinking it, and she especially does not love how it dries salty on her skin. Nasty business.

Well, do you know what water has salt in it? Right. The ocean.

And do you know what global warming, now called “climate change”, will effect? Right. The ocean.

Therefore, the ocean will become saltier, which will be some trick after all those glaciers melt, which they’re always promising, but never mind. The really frightening thing is how this salt water will stalk, find, and wash over the bodies of those women who don’t care for how the salt dries on their skin.

Laugh if you like, but that can cause angst. And do you know what angst does to a pregnant women?

Before I answer that, I want to assure readers I am following the latest advanced journalistic guidelines, which is to use only those words and phrases most apt for the Victims under discussion. Our emphasis is female Victims, so I am supposed to talk of pregnant women, or mothers-to-be, and suchlike words. If we were discussing that other great crew of Victims, sexual deviants, I would instead have to use birthing persons and uterus havers and so on.

That being settled, I’ll tell you what angst and excessive drinking of salt water causes: complications in pregnancy. And complications in pregnancy can rob women of their pregnancies.

We’re done! We have the outline of a standard science article on how global warming, now called “climate change”, can harm Victims in a twist no one saw coming. All that’s left is to throw some fancy graphics on it, quote a scientist or two about the evils of global warming, now called “climate change”, and get plenty of Victim quotes expressing their horror over what is to come.

Vox does all this.

Problem is, Vox forgot to check with places like Florida, which is birthing out babies just fine. Florida is surrounded by salt water, you see, and is a favorite place for people in the Northern Hemisphere spring to go bask in its waters. California, too.

And you’d think that if salt water were harming female Victims in Florida, and other coastal places, we’d have noticed it by now. People would have been avoiding, and not flocking to, beaches.

But that’s because we never considered the water’s electrical conductivity. Vox has a very important science graph showing that this important quantity is changing. Which means women are doomed.

Or will be. Or maybe. One global warming, now called “climate change”, hits.

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