Funniest Thing To Happen In Science In Years

We’ve all seen those videos in which hersterical (there is no misspelling) chubby women rant at their cellphone cameras in cars. They begin their fantasies slowly, saying single phrases after which they pause—ever see this?—to twist their face into fake smiles, which they exaggerate to ensure you to know the glee is sardonic.

Then the emotion builds, and Builds, and BUILDS! Finally they become incoherent. The spit and the words fly. Nobody can figure out what they are on about. The only notion viewers come away with is that these ladies ought to be taken care of.

The same thing happened in the peer-reviewed American Geophysical Union’s “The Executive Order ‘Restoring Gold Standard Science’ is Dangerous for America” by ME Wysession (who sadly is at Washington University, St Louis, the former abode of the great ET Jaynes), a few others, including many more than the requisite number of foreigners. Which is odd, given the authors express concern over American security.

Maybe you don’t know, but foreigners often, routinely, get money from American grants. Big recipients. They are not often the “PIs”, the principal investigators, which are usuaully Americans, but foreigners are “on” the grants and lap the bucks up. Everybody everywhere wants Uncle Sugar to keep the funds flowing.

Let’s review. Note: I’m saving the funniest bit until last.

They begin their Abstract:

The recent U.S. executive order “Restoring Gold Standard Science” poses a significant threat to the U.S. national economy and security. The order replaces the scientific experts who lead U.S. governmental scientific organizations with non-scientific political appointees who would have the power to decide what science could and could not be published.

They pause. They smile the artificial smile.

The fantasy that slowing, ever so slightly, and mostly not at all, government spending means “non-scientific political appointees who would have the power to decide what science could and could not be published” is the science version of The Handmaid’s Tale. There may even be an element of rape-like fantasy to it. “Please stop us from having to publish. Stop us hard!”

Have they forgotten the myriad myrmidons, the non-scientific political appointees that infested NIH and NSF before Trump and that largely still do? People who decide who lives and who dies? Yes. They have. Have the forgotten that it is grant-wielding scientists, not government, who punish deviation from Consensus, stopping publication of deviant thought? Yes. They have.

Yet have they fantasized Trump himself will issue a dictate that says “You cannot publish papers unless I say so”. Yes. They have.

In doing so, the executive order threatens to reverse more than 80 years of scientific advancements that have given the U.S. its world-leading military, technology, and economy.

The rant begins to swell. The first stage of incoherence is here. “Did you hear Trump said we had to forget everything we learned in the last 80 years!?” shouted the peers with PhDs.

It builds:

This EO is an unconstitutional attempt to censor and punish U.S. scientists for publishing science that doesn’t fit a political agenda

Unconstitutional!

And builds:

This misleading and false misrepresentation of U.S. scientific scholarship is a blatant attempt to sow public distrust in science and scientists

They did that fine on their own.

The penultimate step of emotional blackmail:

Implementing this executive order would seriously threaten the health of the U.S. economy, technology, and military national security

And…at last, the dam breaks, minds snap, rationality flees, words lose all meaning. The screechstorm is unleashed:

The justifications provided in the executive order for this change in policy are false or misleading in their assessment and representation of the current state of U.S. scientific scholarship. Hypocritical in its aims, the executive order claims to promote integrity in science while at the same time calling to remove the “Framework for Federal Scientific Integrity Policy and Practice” that currently ensure veracity and credibility in science.

Did they say—did they really say—their practices “that currently ensure veracity and credibility in science”?

To which the only sane and sober response is: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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